Unless...

All this time,
after you've built walls to keep people away.
After you wear a different skin, a solemn mask to
shed tears and emotions into invisibility.
After you promise to never trust.
After you said to yourself to never fall.
After nights of pain and agony.
After nights of trying to forgive.
After days and months of building a fort.
After being convinced that men are emotionless deceitful human being.
After you feeling ready to face this world alone.
After making plans and dreams with only you in the picture.
After you are about to sail away.


You meet someone,
and you start to question.
What has come over me?

I wish you knew before all these afters.

But it doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Unless....

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Yet to figure it out

There is almost a distant feeling when you grow up, or realise that you are a grown person. 

Past seems like a memory you wish will never fade so that you can cling to it. Tug it close to your chest like hugging a precious teddy bear of your childhood. A warmth comfort but lifeless still.

I wish I can let go of it, say that I won't need it any more. Too much I heard them saying that we should never look at our past, life moves on. Yet life as a grown person can be melancholy and poignant, sometimes. If not most of the times. Therefore the only way to bring the colours to the film is by bringing the memories that are colourful - the memory of past. Of childhood, of growing up, of adolescent, of youth. 

Of innocent, of naivety, of ignorance, of not knowing yet.

The irony is that as you grow up, you realise you are still in the state of now knowing yet maybe for forever. However, they expect you to know or at least, to act like you know. But really, who in this world knows and have it all figure out? Is there such person?

Well, I guess clearly for this case, we all already figure out the answer.

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The tragedy of existence

  I can't catch a breath nowadays. I have this overwhelming fluster about people. They are everywhere. One person keeps on texting me Good Mornings and Good Nights. The other just keeps on asking me to do stuffs. Some just keep asking how am I doing, what am I going to do, this that, this that. Grrrrr. OK. It wasn't that bad but I can't handle people right now. They are too many and I felt like running away from the mass. But I simply can't. So what do I do? I read. Yes. I read a lot. Ironic how this one is the most busiest but I have time to do so. Reading to me has become an escape rope. To be honest, always have. Even my choice of movies has moved to Fantasy. I love how unknown worlds actually exist, though just in movies, I'd prefer to say they do. Rewatching LOTR: The Two Towers made me want to live in it. No. I want to be in Stardust instead. If I were in it, I shall be with the pirates catching lightnings. Sailing and flying, I'm in wanderlust. But yes, with one condition, no human, please. But then, how do I manage a ship without a crew? Heh.

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Rindu

Buat sekalian kalinya, aku rindu ruang ini.
tempat aku memuntahkan buah fikir dan rasa yang terperangkap.


 Aku fikir aku boleh hadap semua bising-bising dunia virtual tapi ini tempat terbaik aku untuk merasakan enaknya sendiri. Aku rindu sendiri. Aku rindu berkata tanpa ada yang mengadili. Aku rindu menari-nari di ruang luas sebegini, Aku harus akui, terlalu terikut dengan keasyikan ruang kecil itu. Tapi sejujurnya apa yang dapat aku lunaskan dalam 140 patah perkataan itu, mahupun dalam sekeping gambar itu? Tiada.




Jadi, aku kembali ke sini.

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Driving toward the Lac Qui Parle River

BY ROBERT BLY

I
 I am driving; it is dusk; Minnesota.
The stubble field catches the last growth of sun.  
The soybeans are breathing on all sides.
Old men are sitting before their houses on car seats  
In the small towns. I am happy,
The moon rising above the turkey sheds.

II
 The small world of the car
Plunges through the deep fields of the night,  
On the road from Willmar to Milan.  
This solitude covered with iron
Moves through the fields of night
Penetrated by the noise of crickets.

III
 Nearly to Milan, suddenly a small bridge,
And water kneeling in the moonlight.
In small towns the houses are built right on the ground;  
The lamplight falls on all fours on the grass.
When I reach the river, the full moon covers it.  
A few people are talking, low, in a boat.

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Berlalu

Katanya kita tidak serasi.
Lalu aku berlalu pergi.
Mencari bahagiaku sendiri.
Jauh sudah aku berjalan.
Terasa dipanggil dari kejauhan.
Kau yang pinta aku berlalu,
bila menjauh, kau minta aku mendekat.

Apa yang kau mahu?
Biarkan aku.
Biarkan aku.
Kau dan aku,
katanya tidak mungkin akan bersama.

Jadi,
apa yang kau mahu?
Biarkan aku.
Biarkan aku.
Aku bahagia disini.
Aku bahagia sendiri.

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Feeling and Emotion

Don't be deceived by me, I'm good at wearing mask. 

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DIA yang utama

Salam,

Ada masanya kita terlalu benci, benci pada diri kita. Kalau mahu dicampak kesemua sesalan dahulu, tentu berkerah juga tenaga dan segala kudrat aku. Hitam, aku rasa kalau hati aku warnanya putih, sekarang dah hitam pekat tak terlihat putihnya. Katanya setiap dosa akan menambahkan titik hitam pada hati, nah, nak letak mana lagi titik hitam tu, aku pon dah tak tahu. Sepertinya tiada lagi kesan putih di sini.

Ada kalanya aku harap Tuhan dapat bersihkan semula hati aku, macam Dia cuci hati Rasulullah dulu. Demand sangat nak mintak cuci, padahal tahap kasih pada Tuhan masih belum sampai kesitu. Bila didengarkan kisah-kisah wali yang diceritakan ustaz Arab aku setiap hari khamis semasa di UIA dulu, mahu sahaja aku menangis terus. Jauh, terlalu jauh perjalanan aku. Terlalu banyak menyimpang pun satu.

Terasa sesak juga nafas aku menjalani jalan-jalan tahun ini. Ada juga masa aku tersungkur, terlalu banyak sebenarnya. Tapi Tuhan masih bangunkan aku. Sungguh dia masih disisi. Kalau manusia? Bila kita tersungkur, tidaknya dibantu, malah dimarahkan lagi kerana tidak berhati-hati mengorak langkah.

Tak mengapalah. Dia masih ada bukan?

Itu yang utama bukan?

Tapi...

tamat pada bilanya perjalanan ini, 

aku takkan bersedia, aku tak pernah bersedia.  

Sungguh.

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