Ayah. Love

There's something about having a father that makes you feel more secure.

It doesn't matter if his belly is bloated and he don't even know a thing about martial arts.

When he is there in your life, you know there's always one person that gets worry about you and will protect you with whatever shit you have to face.

It's different now.

Somehow now you feel more secluded from the world.

You want something, but you don't really care if you have it either.

You have vision, but it seem clouded and you aren't that eager now.

Everything seems pointless.

Detach. Yes, that's the word for it.

And one thing, you learn to live by yourself.

You learn to be super independent, more independent than you already are.

Yes, there's whole family supporting you but no, it's not the same.

Not the same anymore.

The secure feeling you had for this world is gone now.

So you have to gear up yourself to make it secure.

It's hard really.

Now you got it. Finally I blurted out something about it.

All this while I act cool and compose.

Smiling as if nothing happen. 

No, I don't lament.

I moved on. I packed my bags and let him take the bus.

The bus will take him home.

While I walk to the opposite road.

To the unknown.

Until one day the bus driver decide to take a turn 

and honk me. And he'll be waiting in the door, shoving his hand saying,

"Hey, wanna take a ride home? You look tired, it's time to go back". 

No, I'm not tired. But who knows, who knows.

I don't, when he's gone. We might as well be prepared.

No, I don't lament.

But it's not a sin to miss someone that you love so much in this world.

You love MOST.

Right?

It's not a sin, 

to miss him so much, it pierce your heart.
Right? 

And today, is one of the day

when your heart feel like breaking.

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Note to self

"Your relationship with Allah is the 

most important than anything in this world because 

you know for sure that's the only

relationship that last forever"

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Kembali

Aku singgah semula ke sini, 
kerana dunia lain seakan mencengkam, dan membunuh jiwa aku.

Bukan ini bukan persinggahan. 
Ini rumah aku di alam maya, tempat aku lari semula untuk terus kembali waras.

p/s: Dan aku kembali mengisi kalian dengan dua puisi (?) yang aku simpan dalam kota draft aku buat sekian lama. Aku post keduanya sebab rasanya macam bertepatan dengan situasi aku sekarang. Heh, konon.

Dah. Bai. *awkward*

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End

Musim musim ginilah paling aku anticipate sekali sebenarnya.

Lagi sebulan sahaja tinggal before I can finally say goodbye to this freaking hell of a semester. Exactly 4 weeks left, with one week of classes, 1 week of revision period, 2 weeks of finals. Yeay!

Kau tak boleh bayangkan betapa suckass-nya aku semester ni.

Kegagalan utama aku mestilah dengan LE 4000,

yg akhirnya aku decide untuk drop di saat2 akhir dan mengorbankan separuh dari rm 1k demi utk meng-withdraw subject nakharomm ni. Pape pon all is well, its an expensive lesson to pay but it's all worth it. Aku rasa satu beban berat dah hilang serta merta. 

Still, jalan nak ke penghujung itu masih panjang.

Aku masih ada lagi few assignment nak kena submit, dalam 4 gitu la gamaknya.

Dan lagi 2 presentation. haromm tak harommm.

Oh ya! Aku ada lagi satu play untuk dipentaskan.

(For once in my life, I can't wait to get over with this theater thing)

One thing yang aku sedar pasal sem ni, aku jarang menulis dan merepek meraban macam selalu. Aku perlu merepek selalu sebenarnya, sebab aku rasa bila aku tak merepek macam serabut sangat kepala dan hidup aku. Hidup aku perlu dipenuhi dengan tulis dan kata-kata, at least some of my thoughts dah di-written down somewhere. Too much thoughts can kill you. Aku rasa aku patut aktif menulis merepek meraban semula, macam dulu2. In blog, in journal, planner, any paper I can find. Aku perlu!

Ada lah kat mana ntah, aku ada baca, to be more positive and happy in life, we need to count our blessings. Tulis every good thing that ever happen in my life. Dulu selalulah buat, mungkin sebab tu dulu aku macam tak berapa nak serabut kot. Makanya aku perlulah kembali dengan perangai buat2 list semua ni (walaupun aku still buat tapi mostly pasal asgnment sajoh). Oh oh! 2013 dah nak habis, mungkin kita patut lihat semua yang dah kita capai after all this year & anticipate for more di tahun hadapan. 

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Out, Out -

by Robert Frost

The buzz-saw snarled and rattled in the yard
And made dust and dropped stove-length sticks of wood,
Sweet-scented stuff when the breeze drew across it.
And from there those that lifted eyes could count
Five mountain ranges one behind the other
Under the sunset far into Vermont.
And the saw snarled and rattled, snarled and rattled,
As it ran light, or had to bear a load.
And nothing happened: day was all but done.
Call it a day, I wish they might have said
To please the boy by giving him the half hour
That a boy counts so much when saved from work.
His sister stood beside them in her apron
To tell them 'Supper'. At the word, the saw,
As if to prove saws knew what supper meant,
Leaped out at the boy's hand, or seemed to leap--
He must have given the hand. However it was,
Neither refused the meeting. But the hand!
The boy's first outcry was a rueful laugh.
As he swung toward them holding up the hand
Half in appeal, but half as if to keep
The life from spilling. Then the boy saw all--
Since he was old enough to know, big boy
Doing a man's work, though a child at heart--
He saw all spoiled. 'Don't let him cut my hand off
The doctor, when he comes. Don't let him, sister!'
So. But the hand was gone already.
The doctor put him in the dark of ether.
He lay and puffed his lips out with his breath.
And then -- the watcher at his pulse took fright.
No one believed. They listened at his heart.
Little -- less -- nothing! -- and that ended it.
No more to build on there. And they, since they
Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs.

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Sebentar

Bagaikan angin,

datangnya seketika.

Meniup dan berlalu lembut di pipi

Menari dalam buai yang mengasyikkan

Jiwa terasa tenang dalam indahnya ia

Disaat pergi,

dicarinya lagi

sehingga terpijak duri duri 

terluka diri

kadang langkah itu membawa ke tepi

kelam dan membenam

sepertinya dalam mimpi

memanah jiwa sepi

penat

perjalanan ini jauh sekali

entahkan bila datangnya lagi

harapkan angin meniup pergi

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Chabang 19/10/13

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FRIENDS

Having surrounded by friends,

which you can laugh with
which you can also rely with
which you can share stories with
which you can hear stories from
which you can be crazy & total wreck around
which you can get support & be supportive to


bliss. 

Love each and everyone of you.

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