December 23, 2015

Great Loss

 
 
I look around:
The earth – beautiful.
The nature - green and alive.
The air - refreshing.
Ah! Who’s the Creator behind all these?
Every corner in this world - not ours.
Every breath that we take – temporary.
One day,
It shall stop without asking us
Are we good enough to be
great Muslims?
Are we deserving of heaven
or not?
Many - ungrateful
They treat earth and its content so badly.
Yet, they forget that
He is watching and observing
days and nights
eternally.
Haven’t we realised even a bit of it?
Such a great great loss
What a great great loss.

December 10, 2015

Jogjakarta

There's a first time for everything.

And I wanna THANKS A LOT to my very beautiful friends yang sudi teman saya jalan2 pusing Jogja. especially Arga, Aisya, Nila, Mas Didit, Ika etc. Thanks juga Iman cos introduce me to Arga. They are all very nice, walaupun perkenalan ni terlalu singkat tapi ia sangat berharga. Im looking forward to meet you guys next time. and All the best in your studies! ;)























November 8, 2015

Unless...


All this time,
after you've built walls to keep people away.
After you wear a different skin, a solemn mask to
shed tears and emotions into invisibility.
After you promise to never trust.
After you said to yourself to never fall.
After nights of pain and agony.
After nights of trying to forgive.
After days and months of building a fort.
After being convinced that men are emotionless deceitful human being.
After you feeling ready to face this world alone.
After making plans and dreams with only you in the picture.
After you are about to sail away.


You meet someone,
and you start to question.
What has come over me?




I wish you knew before all these afters.
But it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter anymore.


Unless....

November 2, 2015

Yet to figure it out

There is almost a distant feeling when you grow up, or realise that you are a grown person. 

Past seems like a memory you wish will never fade so that you can cling to it. Tug it close to your chest like hugging a precious teddy bear of your childhood. A warmth comfort but lifeless still.

I wish I can let go of it, say that I won't need it any more. Too much I heard them saying that we should never look at our past, life moves on. Yet life as a grown person can be melancholy and poignant, sometimes. If not most of the times. Therefore the only way to bring the colours to the film is by bringing the memories that are colourful - the memory of past. Of childhood, of growing up, of adolescent, of youth. 

Of innocent, of naivety, of ignorance, of not knowing yet.

The irony is that as you grow up, you realise you are still in the state of now knowing yet maybe for forever. However, they expect you to know or at least, to act like you know. But really, who in this world knows and have it all figure out? Is there such person?



Well, I guess clearly for this case, we all already figure out the answer.

October 22, 2015

The tragedy of existence

  I can't catch a breath nowadays. I have this overwhelming fluster about people. They are everywhere. One person keeps on texting me Good Mornings and Good Nights. The other just keeps on asking me to do stuffs. Some just keep asking how am I doing, what am I going to do, this that, this that. Grrrrr. OK. It wasn't that bad but I can't handle people right now. They are too many and I felt like running away from the mass. But I simply can't. So what do I do? I read. Yes. I read a lot. Ironic how this one is the most busiest but I have time to do so. Reading to me has become an escape rope. To be honest, always have. Even my choice of movies has moved to Fantasy. I love how unknown worlds actually exist, though just in movies, I'd prefer to say they do. Rewatching LOTR: The Two Towers made me want to live in it. No. I want to be in Stardust instead. If I were in it, I shall be with the pirates catching lightnings. Sailing and flying, I'm in wanderlust. But yes, with one condition, no human, please. But then, how do I manage a ship without a crew? Heh.

October 4, 2015

Rindu

Buat sekalian kalinya, aku rindu ruang ini.
tempat aku memuntahkan buah fikir dan rasa yang terperangkap.


 Aku fikir aku boleh hadap semua bising-bising dunia virtual tapi ini tempat terbaik aku untuk merasakan enaknya sendiri. Aku rindu sendiri. Aku rindu berkata tanpa ada yang mengadili. Aku rindu menari-nari di ruang luas sebegini, Aku harus akui, terlalu terikut dengan keasyikan ruang kecil itu. Tapi sejujurnya apa yang dapat aku lunaskan dalam 140 patah perkataan itu, mahupun dalam sekeping gambar itu? Tiada.




Jadi, aku kembali ke sini.

September 23, 2015

Driving toward the Lac Qui Parle River

BY ROBERT BLY

I
 I am driving; it is dusk; Minnesota.
The stubble field catches the last growth of sun.  
The soybeans are breathing on all sides.
Old men are sitting before their houses on car seats  
In the small towns. I am happy,
The moon rising above the turkey sheds.

II
 The small world of the car
Plunges through the deep fields of the night,  
On the road from Willmar to Milan.  
This solitude covered with iron
Moves through the fields of night
Penetrated by the noise of crickets.

III
 Nearly to Milan, suddenly a small bridge,
And water kneeling in the moonlight.
In small towns the houses are built right on the ground;  
The lamplight falls on all fours on the grass.
When I reach the river, the full moon covers it.  
A few people are talking, low, in a boat.

September 16, 2015

Berlalu

Katanya kita tidak serasi.
Lalu aku berlalu pergi.
Mencari bahagiaku sendiri.

Jauh sudah aku berjalan.
Terasa dipanggil dari kejauhan.

Kau yang pinta aku berlalu,
bila menjauh, kau minta aku mendekat.


Apa yang kau mahu?
Biarkan aku.
Biarkan aku.
Kau dan aku,
katanya tidak mungkin akan bersama.

Jadi,
apa yang kau mahu?

Biarkan aku.
Biarkan aku.
Aku bahagia disini.
Aku bahagia sendiri.

September 15, 2015

August 13, 2015

DIA yang utama

Salam,

Ada masanya kita terlalu benci, benci pada diri kita. Kalau mahu dicampak kesemua sesalan dahulu, tentu berkerah juga tenaga dan segala kudrat aku. Hitam, aku rasa kalau hati aku warnanya putih, sekarang dah hitam pekat tak terlihat putihnya. Katanya setiap dosa akan menambahkan titik hitam pada hati, nah, nak letak mana lagi titik hitam tu, aku pon dah tak tahu. Sepertinya tiada lagi kesan putih di sini.

Ada kalanya aku harap Tuhan dapat bersihkan semula hati aku, macam Dia cuci hati Rasulullah dulu. Demand sangat nak mintak cuci, padahal tahap kasih pada Tuhan masih belum sampai kesitu. Bila didengarkan kisah-kisah wali yang diceritakan ustaz Arab aku setiap hari khamis semasa di UIA dulu, mahu sahaja aku menangis terus. Jauh, terlalu jauh perjalanan aku. Terlalu banyak menyimpang pun satu.

Terasa sesak juga nafas aku menjalani jalan-jalan tahun ini. Ada juga masa aku tersungkur, terlalu banyak sebenarnya. Tapi Tuhan masih bangunkan aku. Sungguh dia masih disisi. Kalau manusia? Bila kita tersungkur, tidaknya dibantu, malah dimarahkan lagi kerana tidak berhati-hati mengorak langkah.

Tak mengapalah. Dia masih ada bukan?
Itu yang utama bukan?

Tapi...
tamat pada bilanya perjalanan ini, 
aku takkan bersedia, aku tak pernah bersedia.  
Sungguh.

July 9, 2015

Boona Mohammed - SIGNS


Let me take a moment to show some kindness, 
To the folks who blindness was a disease that effected the eyes alone,
I promise I won't judge you, I barely know how to love you
And like fools we preach rules, but we don't even follow our own.

Everybody needs comfort,
Some people find it in this; some people find it in that
And some people just don't find it at all.

But this world is full of signs 
From the moon to the stars in the sky
From the bees and the bugs, like a seed in your blood
Like a feen to a drug, makes you need to look up
And questions what's up, why you deal with this stuff?
When your spirits are crushed and you trek through the rough
But like thunder it struck, said "Be" and it was

All the signs that were sent, they finally make sense
You feel the torment, so you need to repent
When your heart is cement, it's hard as a brick
Cause your soul is worth more than the dollars and cents,
All the money in the world couldn't buy you happiness
Cause "verily, it is in the remembrance of Allah, that hearts do find rest"

And do not get it confused,
I'm not a scholar or a preacher
I'm just a regular dude, who makes mistakes too
But we are reflections true, 
So I cant talk about me without talking about you

And who knew?
We would end up in a place so confused
Where little boys wanna be like little girls and little girls just wanna be abused
Where the terrorize the truth, mentally arrest the youth
Even though there is no law but Allahs' and momma didn't raise no fool.

And who knew?
That expecting the world to treat you fairy because you think you're a good person,
Would be a little like expecting a bull not to attack you because you're a vegetarian,
You can't begin to learn what you think you already know
In mans own ignorance we forgot that women once watched us grow
And before that you were a tiny ball of flesh without any bones
And before that you were just unknown, and now look behold
You have the arrogance to assume that you just made it on your own?
But what were you but a chewed piece of clot, before the grew
And who knew you would trace you ancestry back to a zoo?
You must have really come from apes with your monkey point of views
Even the devil believes in God, so what does that make you?

And it's true
Sometimes I feel like Noah preaching to a packed empty room
Nobody wanna listen until we start rolling out two by two
I'm a big fan of Abraham; never break-up from Jacob
Joseph had the kind of beauty that you couldn't find in makeup
Moses was to Pharaoh what stones are to arrows 
And David to Goliath was truth is to silence
Following, Solomon I'd get down too
Contrary to popular belief, Jesus is my homeboy too.
So peace be upon the whole crew who came to teach what we never knew
Even though few caught the groove, the never turned blue
Never confused what was true even if it was a taboo
Never came for fame or praise but to praise who the prayed too

And who knew?
That an unlettered man from the middle of the desert,
Would change the whole world from darkness into heaven
You may have every title, every big shot degree
But you still can't explain: Alif-Lam-Meem

And who knew?
There would be so many views and way to explain
That he's closer to you than your jugular vein
So if you complain that God must be cruel
Can you give Allah, all that he gives to you?
From the breath that you breath, to the trees that you feed
From the eyes that you see, to the sea that you eat
If I cut you, you bleed, than you heal magically
Were the illest machines, manufactured for means.
The concepts extreme but this world is a dream,
It's not what it seems filled with lies and deceit
The truth is serene so wake up smell the deen
Praises be to He, His Oneness, Supreme
Totally unique, in no need of sleep 
Not like you or me, his greatness complete
No partners, no mates, no father, no sons
No discount 3 in 1, just Allah Azwa Jal
Even the birds sing his name,
The Lord of all the worlds
Glory be to He and to Allah is our return

July 5, 2015

I wish

It was 18th of Ramadhan already. 18 days had passed as swiftly as morning breeze that brushed upon your cheeks. How times seems running so fast and how much important things was left undone, wasted for something petty. 

18 days and I look back on how much, no how little I have achieved on this Holy Month.

I'd say if we, start of our life with 100 points and this points are the ones which determined whether we passed to enter Jannah or not. In life, points are added and subtracted, humans are judged by how many points left by the end of his/her life. What if death comes calling for time out, what was left of my points? Will I pass this ultimate test?

If wealth is measured by our Iman & devotions, I'm sure I'm in the state of poverty. It seems to me that I've been lost, blinded by the blinding lights of the worldly things unable to see clearly the beautiful rays of the hereafter. 

How I wish I'd do more.
I wish I am richer in terms of iman & devotions. 



Have blessful Ramadhan,
pray to Allah, do devotions,
forgive & seek forgiveness, 
you'll never now when your life ends.
this is a personal reminder to myself n those who reads.

June 24, 2015

Of chaos

In internet world, there's only a few places where I can seek solitude.

.
.
.
.
.
.

Others are just full of bollocks
& pretentious organism which I failed to understand.

June 9, 2015

Eat the bitter, spit out the sweet

 
Believe me, young man!
All you need to do
is to breathe in,
and all shall be well.
 
There were times
when the sky seemed so blue, you cried
and all the words that express love, changed
into the hardest ache in your heart.
 
When silence finally breaks in and roars
your head explodes into burdening
unsaid words
Of every thoughts of ifs and whys-
They linger around
poking each of the veins in your brains
seducing you to jump!
Jump and die!
 
Too many memories
Too many things
You’re blinded by the sweet promises
of suicide.
 
But I know you’re aware of the massacre.
It will eat you up and sing you a lullaby,
It will tell you a tale of a young man
with a good end.
 
Lies after lies to guarantee death,
Love is sweet ,
you once said to me,
yet you know now it’s not
as your hands burn and
your eyes shed blood
from holding too long,
hoping too much.
But why love a love that makes you
lost love to love?
Save the shame, my dear
and walk away with pride.
 
Put on your armour and sway your way
towards the garden without killing the white petals
for Love is a two-headed dragon
and you only need to tame one.
 
Believe me, young man!
All you need to do is to breathe in,
eat the bitter, spit out the sweet!
and I promise you that you shall live.

May 24, 2015

Insan kerdil

Aku marah,
tatkala dibawanya dia pergi jauh dari aku
Aku marah dan kecewa.

Aku persalahkan semuanya.
Aku mempersoal semuanya.
Mana mungkin dapat ditanggung berkali kali dijauhkan.
berkali kali dipisahkan.
Aku juga mahu gembira
Aku juga mahu tersenyum dan ketawa

Aku marah pada Dia
ternyata buta hati aku waktu itu
ternyata kabur sungguh penglihatan hati ini
ternyata aku sudah dibutakan mata hatinya

Mana mungkin aku sebegini dekat padaMu
Mana mungkin aku sedar harga cinta sebenar
Mana mungkin aku terbangun dari tipuan lena
Jika mataku hanya terpandang pada disini

Disana itu jauh lagi,
tak terbayang indahnya.




Maafkan aku kerana lupa pada Cinta Disana
kerana terlalu mencari cinta di sini.

May 16, 2015

A Great Loss

I look around:
The earth – beautiful.
The nature - green and alive.
The air - refreshing.
Ah! Who’s the Creator behind all these?
Every corner in this world - not ours.
Every breath that we take – temporary.
One day,
It shall stop without asking us
Are we good enough to be
great Muslims?
Are we deserving of heaven
or not?
Many - ungrateful
They treat earth and its content so badly.
Yet, they forget that
He is watching and observing
days and nights
eternally.
Haven’t we realised even a bit of it?
Such a great great loss
What a great great loss.

May 3, 2015

Kebahagiaanku

Kalau saya betul betul sayangkan awak

Pasti saya patut tersenyum melihat awak gembira bukan?

Tapi hati ini masih sakit,
kerana berharap sayalah orangnya yang buat awak gembira.
nyata hanya harapan sahaja yang ada.

Tak mengapalah.
Asal awak senyum bahagia.

Cliche bukan?
Tapi inilah kebahagian aku sekarang.




(kau takkan faham kalau kau tak jumpa cinta pertama seperti dia)

April 14, 2015

Penat


hari ini, banjir lagi kalis matanya
hari ini, runtuh lagi jiwanya

ya, 
wanita yang bersuara keras,
yang berlagak kasar
yang berpura kuat
itu 

ternyata
sudah penat
dengan onar dan domba
dengan sayang yang dusta
ternyata 
semuanya mengecewakan

hari ini, banjir lagi kalis matanya
hari ini, runtuh lagi jiwanya

ya,
kerana dia
yang berlari pergi
tapi
juga kerana Dia
yang sentiasa di sisi

April 12, 2015

Menulis

Hello!

Aku rasa aku patut buat blog baru kot. Nak lari sikit. Hihi. 
Atau kita tak payah buat blog, kita menulis je dalam buku
lebih baik, lebih privasi, lebih menyendiri.

Tapi rasanya akan/mesti buat satu blog khas untuk brush up skills aku dalam penulisan. Mana tahu tengah syok tulis-tulis, tiba-tiba orang dari majalah LIBUR singgah baca. Untung-untung dapat jadi travel writer, ye dok?

Berangan saja. Tapi angan-angan boleh jadi kenyataan bukan?


March 10, 2015

Parts of my mind

Recently, I got burned and it really taught me a lot. It really got me thinking and made me look deep. We live in such a photoshopped world! It has really started to hurt my heart. Its like we all have to be so perfectly manicured. Every hair perfectly placed. And God forbid if we have blemish or two or five!  And don't even begin to talk things like scars or stretch marks!

Ive started to wonder- where are the people who still appreciate any humanness? Where are the ones still comfortable with the not-so-perfect, messy parts of life? The messy parts of each other? Just the real, flaws and all...

I have begun to fell more and more that it is a dying breed.

And that breaks my heart...

March 9, 2015

Girlfriend


Good friend are like stars, you don't always see them. But you know they're always there :)

March 3, 2015

Puzzle


When we were born, we were an incomplete puzzle. Love and whatnot filled us up with a few pieces but throughout the years of growing up, a rascal, maybe two or three, took some of those pieces out of us. And we would continuously try to fill each vacant spaces with new ones but people would continuously rule them out. But we never give up to fill those empty spaces until at one point in our lives, we found someone that we thought would finally make our puzzles complete, but being more powerful than those rascals, this particular one ravaged the puzzle, scratching each and everything, tearing us into bits, threw us, smashed us with no slight mercy and left us lied by our own thoughts and feelings. And just like before, we would fix the puzzle again and again and again but, we stayed like that forever, forever an incomplete puzzle...

till the moment of our passing
till the last of our breath.

February 10, 2015

Silver Lining

Braaaaaaaaanngggggggbufffffggghhhhh!

              The majestic vein-like lights started to roam the darkened sky. Slowly, the dry pavements began to wet with little raindrops. Drip upon drip they sent shivers to her weak bones. The silhouette of big trees opposite her house swung from right to left. The clouds were having a war again. The glass window was wet washed up by heavy rain. Her vision became a blur. She wiped the glass window repeatedly though she knew already that the blurriness would not go away. All she saw then were bright lights from the streets and heard the swish of tires against the tarred roads. She put her paw against the window pane. It felt cold. The glass window was smooth compared to the rough tarred road. She remembered the revolting greenish slime under her paws before. The colour never seemed to vanish even until today.  However, she was glad that the smell had gone. The mixed odour of wet garbage, mud, grass, blood and rotten food; they smelled of desolation and disgrace. It was horrific. She loved the rain though. It had this wonderful distinct smell that always seemed to soothe her unsettled heart. The every drip of it that fell onto a solid object played a rhythm of life. Drip, drip, drip, her soul waltzed to it. Drip, drip, drip, her body felt light.

              Her eyes slowly shutting as her head rested onto her paws. Suddenly, a bright light flashed before her eyes. A small vehicle stopped on the side of the road. A little boy ran out of the car and disappeared into the tall grass among the big trees. Soon, he went out with a small animal in his arms. It was a very small kitten. She wondered how the little boy managed to see that tiny creature since it was quite dark and rainy. She couldn’t figure out the mystery very well as heavy breath rose slowly from her chest. She thought maybe children do have mysterious instincts. Their pure hearts could always see what we could not. The rain was stopping.

              The little boy hugged the kitten tightly and his parents patted on his back like a congratulate gesture. She stared out to the boy as he wrapped the little kitten with his sweater. She also saw him wiping the little kitten’s paws with it. She looked down to hers.  A few thin furs surrounded the window seat. Her head felt heaviness so she rested it onto her paws. Little by little, the sun peeked out from behind the big trees. She saw the boy bringing the kitten into the car. The kitten looked a bit weak but she knew that it would be given a home where it could grow healthy and strong. Her gaze steadied onto the new family then her eyes began to shut tight. Now, all she could hear was the vehicle driving off. The rainwater from the tiny hanging orchid pots fell onto a broken stool outside the window. Drip, drip, drip, it played the rhythm of life. Drip, drip, drip, the raindrop fell and her pulse danced slowly to it. She felt glad that a soul was saved that day. She felt fortunate to have witnessed such wonderful event. Drip, drip, drip, the raindrop fell like a tick of a clock. Her breath drew heavier, her heartbeat stopped then she fell into eternal darkness. No raindrops were heard ever since.

February 1, 2015

Reads



When you read a book, not a particularly ordinary book in this case. And each words written there seems to be etched upon your skins of thoughts. You mind scarred with its beauty, aching for more, craving to have written in equal aesthetic quality.

I can't help myself from stopping for a while, to gulp the fluid of words down my throat and move my hand to scribble the torrents down in blank pages. 

Dead men's words have never been so alive, as long as the words he crafted live in the mind of those who reads.


I am intoxicated beyond words and strings of alphabets. 

January 21, 2015

None

I speak Sin,
I walk Sin,
I touch Sin,
How can I ever dare to have such wishful thoughts
Of being by Your side?
When with every blink of my eyes
that hope to see glimpses of perfections,
I can only see idiotic flaws
that make up my existence.
But You,
You forgive,
You accept,
You are the most perfect
of all perfections.
And so for Your love,
I harbour this longing

January 2, 2015

What a messy day. Or Im too careless

Hello there little fellas, how have you been?

To be perfectly honest, my life now is more kinda like a huge pile of clothes waiting to be folded where you can't simply find a bit of your time to fold them down though the very sight of such piles are a great eyesores to you. To make matter worse, the piles seems to add up every seconds. So now you are not only left with a pile, but also a few more piles in waiting queue! Yep, that's right, that appropriately what my life has been for the time being.


I seriously need an escape, a true escape where you gone to foreign land and discover new things there. I initially thought that I might succeed in escaping my responsibilities as a student by going back to my house every day but that doesn't seems to work. Home is like a nest, a sanctuary for this restless and messed up mind. However my commitments had enforced me to go back to the hustle bustle of undergrads and I had been going to and fro from home to my uni everyday this week. How I wish time will magically stops so I can work my way for a while before I push the play button again. 

Whatever it is, I am terribly sorry if I've been too messed up that I might miss you out and don't stop for a chat like I usually do. I'm sorry for not showing up a genuine smile upon my face, for not being all giddy and excited, for being silent rather that being all chatty like  my usual self. 

I can't even took a deep breath. Literally! 

Things, fortunately, are beginning to slow down now, thank Allah! Perhaps because I finally managed to sit down and having it all figured out. At least, despite all the waiting list of works and happenings this month, everything was finally sorted out and organised so I can settle things down one by one. Hope all is well then. Good day!


p/s: I've lost my laptop during my busy course of life. He has been there for me as He has always been. So, it's okay then. After all, He is always there for us, isn't it? :)