It just fun to write without being interrupted

December 30, 2013

Ayah. Love

There's something about having a father that makes you feel more secure.
It doesn't matter if his belly is bloated and he don't even know a thing about martial arts.
When he is there in your life, you know there's always one person that gets worry about you and will protect you with whatever shit you have to face.

It's different now.
Somehow now you feel more secluded from the world.
You want something, but you don't really care if you have it either.
You have vision, but it seem clouded and you aren't that eager now.
Everything seems pointless.

Detach. Yes, that's the word for it.

And one thing, you learn to live by yourself.
You learn to be super independent, more independent than you already are.
Yes, there's whole family supporting you but no, it's not the same.
Not the same anymore.

The secure feeling you had for this world is gone now.
So you have to gear up yourself to make it secure.

It's hard really.

Now you got it. Finally I blurted out something about it.
All this while I act cool and compose.
Smiling as if nothing happen. 

No, I don't lament.
I moved on. I packed my bags and let him take the bus.
The bus will take him home.
While I walk to the opposite road.
To the unknown.
Until one day the bus driver decide to take a turn 
and honk me. And he'll be waiting in the door, shoving his hand saying,
"Hey, wanna take a ride home? You look tired, it's time to go back". 

No, I'm not tired. But who knows, who knows.
I don't, when he's gone. We might as well be prepared.

No, I don't lament.
But it's not a sin to miss someone that you love so much in this world.
You love MOST.

It's not a sin, 
to miss him so much, it pierce your heart.

And today, is one of the day
when your heart feel like breaking.
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December 27, 2013

Note to self

"Your relationship with Allah is the 
most important than anything in this world because 
you know for sure that's the only
relationship that last forever"
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December 18, 2013


Aku singgah semula ke sini, 
kerana dunia lain seakan mencengkam, dan membunuh jiwa aku.

Bukan ini bukan persinggahan. 
Ini rumah aku di alam maya, tempat aku lari semula untuk terus kembali waras.

p/s: Dan aku kembali mengisi kalian dengan dua puisi (?) yang aku simpan dalam kota draft aku buat sekian lama. Aku post keduanya sebab rasanya macam bertepatan dengan situasi aku sekarang. Heh, konon.

Dah. Bai. *awkward*
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December 10, 2013


Musim musim ginilah paling aku anticipate sekali sebenarnya.
Lagi sebulan sahaja tinggal before I can finally say goodbye to this freaking hell of a semester. Exactly 4 weeks left, with one week of classes, 1 week of revision period, 2 weeks of finals. Yeay!

Kau tak boleh bayangkan betapa suckass-nya aku semester ni.
Kegagalan utama aku mestilah dengan LE 4000,
yg akhirnya aku decide untuk drop di saat2 akhir dan mengorbankan separuh dari rm 1k demi utk meng-withdraw subject nakharomm ni. Pape pon all is well, its an expensive lesson to pay but it's all worth it. Aku rasa satu beban berat dah hilang serta merta. 

Still, jalan nak ke penghujung itu masih panjang.
Aku masih ada lagi few assignment nak kena submit, dalam 4 gitu la gamaknya.
Dan lagi 2 presentation. haromm tak harommm.
Oh ya! Aku ada lagi satu play untuk dipentaskan.
(For once in my life, I can't wait to get over with this theater thing)

One thing yang aku sedar pasal sem ni, aku jarang menulis dan merepek meraban macam selalu. Aku perlu merepek selalu sebenarnya, sebab aku rasa bila aku tak merepek macam serabut sangat kepala dan hidup aku. Hidup aku perlu dipenuhi dengan tulis dan kata-kata, at least some of my thoughts dah di-written down somewhere. Too much thoughts can kill you. Aku rasa aku patut aktif menulis merepek meraban semula, macam dulu2. In blog, in journal, planner, any paper I can find. Aku perlu!

Ada lah kat mana ntah, aku ada baca, to be more positive and happy in life, we need to count our blessings. Tulis every good thing that ever happen in my life. Dulu selalulah buat, mungkin sebab tu dulu aku macam tak berapa nak serabut kot. Makanya aku perlulah kembali dengan perangai buat2 list semua ni (walaupun aku still buat tapi mostly pasal asgnment sajoh). Oh oh! 2013 dah nak habis, mungkin kita patut lihat semua yang dah kita capai after all this year & anticipate for more di tahun hadapan. 
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November 20, 2013

Out, Out -

by Robert Frost
The buzz-saw snarled and rattled in the yard
And made dust and dropped stove-length sticks of wood,
Sweet-scented stuff when the breeze drew across it.
And from there those that lifted eyes could count
Five mountain ranges one behind the other
Under the sunset far into Vermont.
And the saw snarled and rattled, snarled and rattled,
As it ran light, or had to bear a load.
And nothing happened: day was all but done.
Call it a day, I wish they might have said
To please the boy by giving him the half hour
That a boy counts so much when saved from work.
His sister stood beside them in her apron
To tell them 'Supper'. At the word, the saw,
As if to prove saws knew what supper meant,
Leaped out at the boy's hand, or seemed to leap--
He must have given the hand. However it was,
Neither refused the meeting. But the hand!
The boy's first outcry was a rueful laugh.
As he swung toward them holding up the hand
Half in appeal, but half as if to keep
The life from spilling. Then the boy saw all--
Since he was old enough to know, big boy
Doing a man's work, though a child at heart--
He saw all spoiled. 'Don't let him cut my hand off
The doctor, when he comes. Don't let him, sister!'
So. But the hand was gone already.
The doctor put him in the dark of ether.
He lay and puffed his lips out with his breath.
And then -- the watcher at his pulse took fright.
No one believed. They listened at his heart.
Little -- less -- nothing! -- and that ended it.
No more to build on there. And they, since they
Were not the one dead, turned to their affairs.
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November 4, 2013


Bagaikan angin,
datangnya seketika.
Meniup dan berlalu lembut di pipi
Menari dalam buai yang mengasyikkan
Jiwa terasa tenang dalam indahnya ia

Disaat pergi,
dicarinya lagi
sehingga terpijak duri duri 
terluka diri

kadang langkah itu membawa ke tepi
kelam dan membenam
sepertinya dalam mimpi
memanah jiwa sepi

perjalanan ini jauh sekali
entahkan bila datangnya lagi
harapkan angin meniup pergi

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October 20, 2013

Chabang 19/10/13

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October 13, 2013


Having surrounded by friends,

which you can laugh with
which you can also rely with
which you can share stories with
which you can hear stories from
which you can be crazy & total wreck around
which you can get support & be supportive to


Love each and everyone of you.

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October 6, 2013

Yong Belar 5/10/13

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August 16, 2013

Masa Kecik

Masa kecik, saya selalu pasang angan angan. Saya selalu buat catitan kat kertas kertas tulis apa yang kononnya saya harap untuk capai masa masuk sekolah menengah, masuk universiti mahupun bila dah kerja dan besar nanti. Setiap kali saya tulis, saya akan rasa bersemangat sangat and it made my day. In fact sampai sekarang pon saya still buat senarai tu rasanya. Cuma tak sekerap dulu & tak sesemangat dulu. 

Mungkin saya perlu kembali menulis angan angan dan impian saya semula. And this time, i'll go for it. Tak kesah la betapa kecilnya langkah yang saya buat untuk capai, at least i did something to make myself one step nearer to achieve those dreams of mine. And what's more, from now one, saya akan start doing things I always wanted to do, things that I love. Things that I just been dreaming of but never really have the guts to make it real. This time, I'll take charge of myself, do some action, and create the reality for all my dreams. 
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June 11, 2013

This poem by Lewis Carroll is loved all around the world by children and adults alike. It is also known as the best example of nonsense poems simply because almost all the words used are made up by the author or an application of portmanteau i.e....

This poem by Lewis Carroll is loved all around the world by children and adults alike. It is also known as the best example of nonsense poems simply because almost all the words used are made up by the author or an application of portmanteau i.e. words that are a blend of two (or more) words/morphemes into one new word.

`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe:
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
“Beware the Jabberwock, my son!
The jaws that bite, the claws that catch!
Beware the Jubjub bird, and shun
The frumious Bandersnatch!”
He took his vorpal sword in hand:
Long time the manxome foe he sought –
So rested he by the Tumtum tree,
And stood awhile in thought.
And, as in uffish thought he stood,
The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
And burbled as it came!
One, two! One, two! And through and through
The vorpal blade went snicker-snack!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went galumphing back.
“And, has thou slain the Jabberwock?
Come to my arms, my beamish boy!
O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!’
He chortled in his joy.
`Twas brillig, and the slithy toves
Did gyre and gimble in the wabe;
All mimsy were the borogoves,
And the mome raths outgrabe.
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i see human with eyes that cannot see
i hear about human with ears that cannot hear
i talk about human with tongues that cannot talk
i touch human with skin that cannot feel
i smell human with noses that cannot smell
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May 23, 2013


I have grown fond to Sci-Fi, Superhero Action Pack movies or what I used to call "Boy Movies". I thought I'd never like Sci-Fi. My brother used to be so engaged with Star Wars and there I was, beside him, thinking, Meh, another fiction about politics. But now I know how it feels to like Sci-Fi. :DDDD

In the case of superhero movies, they have been instilled in me since I was little but never actually grow much  till, well, now. I'm imagining myself being Loki, stuck in my ugly childhood, wishing I could change the future and went off track and killed everybody instead. lol. Look at me, wishing I'm a villain Herp herp

And Benedict in Star Trek, OMG. He was all, my crew, my family, and I was all STAAAHHHPPP IM GONNA CRYYYY (talk about massive drama catharsis). Him shooting in Kronos was *omg, I iz droolin for hours*. Instantly, I want to learn to shoot like that too!! (ok. ok. I need to calm down.)
<- br="" coming="" noob="" out.="" thru.="" watch="">

*using the Force*

OK. Ironman 3 it is.

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May 14, 2013

Lil heart

Dear heart, 

Stop being so fragile because there's no one to mend it.
Stop expecting too much because none of it will happen as you wish it.
Stop depending on someone fr that happiness because it's you who know how to make yrself happy.

Please wake up because reality is nothing much from that dream of yours.
Please wake up because it's time fr you to start painting all those dreams into reality.
You yourself & with the help Allah alone.
None others can help you through, none.

So, just stop please.
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April 30, 2013


"Kau patut amek minor Sociology, kau terlalu cintakan manusia"

Well, yalah, betul kata kau. As much as I hate to admit it, there are still small things in human that I love so much. Orang orang biasa yang jalan tepi tepi jalan tu pon mampu beri perubahan dengan memberi sedikit inspirasi, beri sedikit nafas baru terhadap kehidupan pada diri aku.

Dan dengan itu, aku decide *ini nekad oke takda berpaling dah lepas ni*, aku akan pursue untuk ambil minor Sociology. Bukan sebab peluang pekerjaan, tapi sebab aku tahu aku akan suka apa aku belajar nanti. 

sekian. ;) 
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April 10, 2013


Ask the world to feed you love
and the sun will enfold you
its warmth will remind you
of blankets of the seas
the low tide waves
soft caressing your skin
comfort will it bring

Ask the world to feed you love
and the moon will smile at you
its light will guide your lips
from one tip to the other tip
ear to ear
soon you'll hear
crickets sing
peace will it bring

Ask the world to feed you love
and trees will embrace you
their twigs will scratch the threads of your clothes
thrust into your skin; from head to toe
blood shall flow
still, the leaves
will shelter you forever
while you stand beneath them alone
they'll be the roof of your home
safety will it bring

Ask the world to feed you love
and mountains will call out to you
their icy tip breeze will eerily
echo a powerful melody
of coldness and agony
but dress your mind with the garments of a king
and continue climbing with arms reaching
one step onto the other
your feet will know no shiver
your teeth will know no quiver
and when you are up there
ask your eyes to conquer
the every delights of the earth
success will it bring

Ask the world to feed you love
and you will find a coffee shop
its sensuous design may tingle your heart
its fragrance's divine; may toy with you mind
intoxicate you to welcome yourself in
as lightness dances all over your skin
and you will float about
till you drop on the floor
and you see there before
your eyes
your ears
your nose
your tongue
a face
of a familiar stranger
who rhymes with your future
and when both gazes meet
war will it bring
sickness will it bring
madness will it bring
but so does comfort
but so does peace
but so does safety
but so does success

will it bring.
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March 19, 2013


I couldn’t figure out where you are
But I know who you are 
Deep inside, I’ve had enough of
Thinking crazily
Waiting like an imbecile
Throbbing heart with pain
Days and night
Missing you 
Lucky you have
the special place,
In my small heart
and mind 
Do I love you?
Why should I? 
I am mad with myself
‘cause I could not get it over
when it comes to you 
For you,
Thank you for the trouble.
Praying silently, so that we’ll meet in the future
And you could even be
one of my best people.
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March 11, 2013


I was walking. Slowly 
In depth of the woods I can hear a distant sound
Of words and beauty that transient love

Weighting down my throat 

these words aren't meant to be said
these words aren't meant to be heard

come by,
come here by the woods
by the serene sound of flowing river
and sing me words of melancholy
words that move me
words that make me love Him

do come by,
and let me be reminded.
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February 12, 2013

Typical minded seriously should be change

Sometimes, you just plain tired of hearing people comments and remarks once they get to know that you are currently pursuing your study in English Linguistic & Literature courses. Some people, yes they do have a good perception with people like us but others simply underestimate us. 

Kau pernah belajar bersungguh-sungguh, tanam cita tinggi-tinggi dan capai keputusan yang cemerlang tapi kau ada rasa kekurangan, seolah-olah kau tak rasa cukup puas dengan apa yang kau buat? itu lah apa yang aku rasa masa habis SPM. Dengan keputusan 9A 1B, mestilah kau akan pikir, tentunya lagi baik pursue courses yang dikira 'bagus' dan 'hebat' macam Engineering, Medic, Architecture, Biotech dan seangkatan dengannya. tapi apesal aku still rasa aku ni loser? 

N the fact yang kau merupakan seorang bekas pelajar yang memang sudah ditanam dengan satu pemikiran yang kau dikira berjaya dengan berapa banyak As kau dapat capai dalam SPM, berapa banyak aktiviti koko yang kau masuk, n berapa banyak jawatan yang kau pegang. Kemudian, kejayaan kau akan nampak lagi gah kalau kau berjaya dapat tajaan, pergi luar negara takpon still belajar dalam negara tapi berjaya enroll universiti bagus bagus. pastu nak nak pulak kau amek course yang gah gah basically Science stream & yang dianggap susah n menjamin kerjaya mantap setelah kau graduate lagi lah kau dipandang tinggi. itulah mindset time belaja kat dulu, seriusss. tapi aku rasa mindset ni bukan tertakluk kat sekolah je, dia dah berjangkit kat seluruh Malaysia.

N you know what? To the hell with that! nak tahu ape itu benar benar kejayaan? 

kau buat apa yang kau cinta.
kau belajar apa yang kau minat.
kau hayati ilmu yang memberi kau pengetahuan tentang sesuatu yang baru,
tapi ilmu tu juga beri kau peringatan tentang sesuatu yang kau dah tahu, tapi dah lupa,
kau tahu tapi kurang sedar dan tak selalu beri perhatian.

kita bila belajar, belajar tu kena datang dari hati.
dari denyut nadi yang tak henti mengalirkan darah ke seluruh tubuh kita.
bukan hanya guna kepala otak kita yang bukannya all the time betul pon.
kena guna hati sekali, guna perasaan, guna emosi.

mengejar ilmu itu indah, sangat indah sebenarnya.
sebab ilmu itu mampu gegar kan seluruh naluri kau.
sebab ilmu itu mampu buat kau terkesima
sebab ilmu itu buat kau sedar, 
besar mana kau,
hebat mana kau,
kaya mana kau,
fofuler mana kau,
pandai mana kau,
kau tu sebenarnya besar daki je kat badan orang obese yang beratnya beratus kilogram.

dalam ilmu tu, kau jangan tengok yang zahirnya sahaja.
kalau kau betul teliti, kau hayati kacantikannya,
masa kau baca baris2 ayat buku teks Sociology tu,
kau boleh mengalirkan air mata *touching sorang sorang la ni kiranya*
sebab kau terharu,
kau terpana,
dengan maksud mendalam yang lain yang ada kat situ.

ilmu itu buat kau menilai kehidupan dari persepektif yang berbeza.
mungkin cara kau tengok dengan cara aku tengok life tu lain.
tapi apa yang sama adalah keindahannya, kecantikannya.
macam mana dia sentuh hati kau sebagai seorang manusia.
dan akhir sekali macam mana dia bawa kau ke arah cinta 
yang paling agung,
yang paling hakiki,
yang paling indah,
tak lain tak bukan cinta pada Allah swt.

ini yang aku nak sebenarnya. 
ini yang aku cari selama ni.

At least aku boleh cakap, 
aku enjoy apa yang aku belajar sekarang,
aku minat apa yang aku belajar sekarang,
aku cinta apa yang aku belajar sekarang.

kalau aku diberi peluang untuk patah balik semula,
aku masih ambil jalan ini.

sekian, tuntutlah ilmu sampai ke negeri China. ;)

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February 10, 2013

Real Life

Real life is a funny thing, you know. In real life, saying the right thing at the right moment is beyond crucial. So crucial, in fact, that most of us start to hesitate, for fear of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. But lately what I've begun to fear more that that is letting the moment pass without saying anything.

I think most of us fear reaching the end of our life, and looking back, regretting the moments we didn't speak up. When we didn't say "I love you." When we should've said "I'm Sorry." When we didn't stand up for ourselves or some one who needed help.
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February 5, 2013


           I bumped into him on my way to class today. The sun shone so brightly that he looked as if he was sparkling under it. His messy hair, broad shoulders and dark eyes were like a set of Cartier in a glass box with lights focusing on it. Well, he always looks good. Be it under the sun or in the mud. Honestly, I love the days where I’ll run into him, dressing presumably nicely, and him in his pilot-ish uniform. I noticed that his cheeks are chubbier. I assumed he's eating well. So, that's good. I didn't realize that I was staring at him for quite a long time until he cast me a polite smile.  That awkward smile, an acknowledgment of how we actually know each other, however not that close, only from a number of mutual friends.


            I've always wanted to keep that very smile curves up on his face every day. Always I fantasize myself lulling him whenever unpleasant emotions overwhelm him. For he brings calmness in me. It was stormy before, but at the moment, he's like a soft wind blowing on my face. He does that to me, he always brings peace. And it’s inevitable not to imagine doing things with him, but of course, nothing psychotic or dirty. Maybe it is just us hanging out, almost no talking but silently enjoying the awaken sun after a long rain.


             We never really have the chance to say “It’s nice meeting you”. Quickly, I just smiled back at him. A smile of I Wish You Every Happiness in which I believe didn't look anything like it. Then, we went separate ways. That was when my key chain broke off from the ring connected to my bag. It fell down and made a sharp sound as it touched the marble floor. I turned around to get my key chain  The place that day was very quiet and almost vacant. There was nobody. He’s gone. Heh. Somebody sure walk fast.

Then I thought, Sayangnya.

              He's not superior to me now. He doesn't cause my cheeks to go warm anymore. He doesn't cause my heart to go chaotic too. Somehow, though, I do admit that he will never be forgotten. Then I heard the lift went, “Second Floor, ding!” and I continued my pace to class. True, it was just a nice day.
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January 6, 2013


Your silence is killing me.
It leaves me in dark, in misery, in despair.

It makes me over-think,
assume the worst than it actually is.

It makes me cry, 
it makes me sad,
it makes me feel like screaming.

It left me insecure,
it makes me feel wasted,
it tarnishes every bit of confidence that is left within me.

It makes me lose hope, 
it blinds me off from hopes,
it shuts me off from any from every possible light
n drives me crazy in darkness.

Its time to break on the silence,
and put some light to this room. 

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