It just fun to write without being interrupted

December 24, 2016

Strong enough

A secret that was told too much
Flew from ear to mouth
They talk about my feelings
They talk about who I am inside
One secret is all they need and
They think they know me oh-so-well
Though none got me right and all got me wrong
Still despite it all, I was stripped naked
I was standing in front of them all
Powerless of saying or doing anything
When all I want to do is cry myself to sleep
They told me to put on a strong face
They told me to fight it
Yes, they were my pick-me-ups; I can’t deny it
When all I want to do is stay, flattened
on the ground and just weep
They told me to put up a brave front
They told me to hold the fort, don’t run
As if what I am doing right now is not brave enough
As if my tears shouldn’t fall or kept as pools in my eyes
When all I want to do is cry myself to scream
Let me grieve and let me weep so I can feel
After all the pain I have hidden
After all the tears I have forgotten
Still they think I am not strong enough

Hey you,
If I was not, you would not be standing here
but near my graveyard stone, you would be standing on dear.
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December 22, 2016


“When you see a female dressed in a manner that is unacceptable islamically, do not for a moment think that she is lower than you spiritually. If you do that, you are lower than her. Believe me, that is the teaching of your religion. She might have a link with her creator that you do not know about. She might have a heart that is tons better than yours. She might have one weakness that is outward, and you have 50 weaknesses that are hidden” - Mufti Menk.

Yang namanya HAKIM itu hakikatnya hanya Tuhan kerana tiada yang lebih adil selain Dia yang Maha Adil. Belajarlah untuk berbaik sangka walaupun sukarnya seperti meletakkan tangan pada bara. Kita cuba.

Setiap kali terlintas sesuatu yang buruk di fikiran tentang si fulan atau si fulan, cepat- cepat kita istighfar dan berkatalah pada Tuhan "Ya Allah, jauhkan aku dari sangka-sangkaan. Kau tariklah semua rasa buruk sangka ini dan gantikan rasa rendah diri. Beri kami taufik & hidayahMu agar kami boleh sama-sama mengecap syurgaMu"

Orang yang kita hina & benci hari ini boleh jadi lebih mulia di mata Pencipta dan mungkin dia mati dalam keadaan beriman & sempat bertaubat. Kita? Siapa beri jaminan?

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December 20, 2016

Flirty Friends

Reminiscence of past conversation:

"Hi. You doin OK ke?"
"Well, I'd say, separuh OK. sighh..."
"Oh? Well, what can I do to fulfill the other half? wink wink"

Flirty friends.
-They are both a friend and a person who flirts a lot. To me, they are generally harmless. However, these people should not be permitted to just flirt where ever, whenever they want. Fitnah, yes, tend to happen if flirting is done unwisely. So, flirty friends are quite harmful too sometimes. Especially if the activity affects the well-being of the friendship; normally if it causes misunderstandings among non-involved people. To me, the safest way to flirt on the friendly basis is to be done privately, just among the two. It's really unnecessary to flirt in front of everybody since such flirting is understood to be an act of "fooling around" or, I'm-bored-so-lets-flirt. In other words, its purpose is to delight the emotions or, to brush up pick-up lines skills, maybe. Personally, I think it's OK to do this with friends. And I mean, with only single friends that is. Hurmm... but well, somehow, I think when flirting is inevitable, it is also at the same time, pointless. So, why are we doing this, again? idk.
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December 15, 2016

Mt Pulag 13-14 Dec

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November 28, 2016

Because I am scared

I feel scared to browse the Internet, to browse down my Twitter timeline and Facebook newsfeed;
because I am scared of what I might find, see or read;

Of people who love to criticise one another without learning how to empathise;

Of 'religious people' and how they love to jump at others with their haram fatwa and make everybody look so wrong and sinful.

The truth is...

I am scared of all these people,

of all these things.

I log in to my Twitter and only dare to stay on my Interaction and Mention page.

I log in to my Facebook and keep my eyes at the notifications ONLY.

I log in to my Instagram only if I receive notifications.

Because I am scared.

Because I'm scared of the word, "HARAM" and the conversations that follow after it.

I am scared.
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November 21, 2016

Starbucks and VS

There's something about standing
   between a perfume and a coffee shop,
the blend of bittersweet smell;
the living tale of love and hate,
tells well when you're standing
   between a perfume and a coffee shop.
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November 17, 2016

Why do I have to fall in love with the wrong persons?

I constantly ask myself this question, “Why do I have to fall in love with the wrong persons? Is it necessary? Are the feelings are a test from Allah or are they just a matter of our own nafs? I wish someone or a scholar could talk and elaborate more on this in the light of al-Qur’an.”

But the truth is, I or any of us don’t need a scholar to explain to us why, because if we have faith, if our relationship with Allah is good, if Allah is always in our heart, if we keep our life busy with the remembrance of Allah, if we practice what the people of taqwa do, if we lower our gaze, if we know what are differences between nafs, dunya and His eternal gifts in Jannah, if we really understand our purpose in this dunya, if we recognize our duty to perfecting our religion and our love to Allah before our love to His creations, if we understand well the concept of worldly pleasures and attachment – we wouldn’t never feel lonely or being rejected, or being wronged or being in the state of broken-hearted because of our unreturned love we have with some random guys we have a crush on, who probably would not realize our existence or could not care less about us. We wouldn’t even fall in love at the first place.

The truth is that – it is actually as simple as that. But we humans always make things complicated. We mess our life up with our own desires then when we fall, we blame life and ask Allah “Why this? Why me?”

Because our definition of happiness is, "When someone we love, loves us back." But we forget about His love, and Mercy that the Qur'an has described, surpasses the love of a mother to her son; the love that He gives and pours on us every single day and night. We don't care about The One up there who always loves us, who always with us to listen to our problems, who returns us His love but so often, we keep His love unreturned.

O Allah, pls forgive us :(
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November 14, 2016

Still stuck in reverse

people in your life will come and go like ships that harbours on an island.

some may stay longer, 
many may swiftly go away.
a few will never leave you 
and decide to stay forever.

i believe that they are people that come across your life,
knowing you a little but that just is.
maybe some of them will remember you, 
perhaps because of one small yet significant role you've played in their life.

some, will get to know you  deeper, 
but not close enough for you to pour everything out.
they'll stay in your life long enough.

but they are a few, so small in number, perhaps two or three, 
that know all your deepest and dirtiest little secrets in life,
but still stay with you and accept it wholeheartedly.
they don't judge your past, and see you only as what you are in the present,
and yet optimistically believe you'll be better in future. 
even if you're not, they don't care about it anyway.  

but it's hard to find these people. 
for many of them, once told, will judge you,
and won't see you as they see you before.

but they are all the same. 
they are your friend, ur loved ones or perhaps, strangers.
they are people who owns a heart just like you.

i hope i'll be able to meet every one of them.
n sail in the ship of friendship.
and learn as much as many from them.
make as many memories with them
before their ships start sailing away. 
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November 7, 2016


tampaknya lembut 

tiada apa
hanya ada cinta yang disimpan 
berkarat di dalam laci hati

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November 6, 2016


Yeayyy I survived Viper Arena 21KM 21 Obstacles! @ Sepang International Circuit

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September 1, 2016

"He exists."


I stopped typing the forever hateful Management Paper. Suddenly, the whole world felt in place; the weather was right, people are annoying as Hell for sure, but it was this wonderful serenity just swiped through and said, "He exists."

And he exists in a way he thought to be boring and monotonous but none that he knew how desperately I need him day after another. How funnily clueless he could be most of the times and it tears me because I might accidentally left a wrong note to myself on how perfect he is.

In which he is.

Work that day was as usual plain and sometimes hellish. I looked at my phone screen wishing to see his texts but nope, that day he was a bit caught up at work. And my heart raced with the thought of how much I miss this man it's almost time for me to grab onto the Drama Queen title. It was only two weeks since the last I saw him and it's killing on the inside, to my surprise. Because none have done this to me before.

Sometimes I like to remind myself on not to be the slave of love. To just love a little so that the hurt won't hurt as much.

I was wrong. Love was wronged. I looked at it the wrong way.

So be it the degree of feelings, hurt shall happen and why am I so obsessed about not getting hurt? Finding the right shoes might not let you slip and fall but they could still cut you if you wear them too often. Especially those fancy ones with heels. Damn those heels. Making me wear band-aids because they're new and my feet are still adjusting to the length and width.

See. What I need is not to love less because that might not be achieved. What I truly need is patience. Be patient and pray that he will be stationed here, because when I thought I'm stronger than this, I'm not. I need him to be near. :'(

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August 13, 2016


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July 12, 2016


bila kau jumpa satu seni indah
dari lakaran mudah ke rona warna mempesona

dan kau ketemu pula jalinan kata
dihiasi bait bait ritma yang mengasyikkan

kau gabung kan seni dan kata itu
membentuk satu jalinan

apa yang kau dapat?

aku lihat satu cinta baru
satu keindahan yang bisa mengisi

Tuhan, Kau mungkin matikan satu cinta
tapi Kau hembuskan pula satu cinta yang baru
mungkin beza zahirnya
tapi hatiku merasa debaran yang sama. 
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June 1, 2016

Tuhan itu dikatanya bercanda

Tuhan itu dikatanya bercanda,
pabila Dia membiarkan kita menemui kegagalan.

Tuhan itu dikatanya bercanda,
pabila Dia menimpakan kita dengan musibah.

Tuhan itu dikatanya bercanda,
pabila Dia membiaskan kita dengan kehilangan.

Tuhan itu dikatanya bercanda,
pabila Dia suapkan kita dengan berita kematian.

Tuhan itu dikatanya bercanda,
pabila Dia mengetuk-getuk hati kita tiap kali kita mengataNya bercanda,
meniup angin lembut keinsafan, memberi ingat pada akal yang lupa.
meniup angin sayup keindahan, memberi hidup pada hati yang mati.
Lalu siapa yang sebenar-benarnya bercanda.
Kita atau Dia?

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May 21, 2016

See the goodness in the heart

Macam kelakar pun ada bila ada orang buat cerita aku hack laman social dia, hebat sangat ke aku nak hack? what a life. Semoga Allah beri petunjuk :)

"I do not understand why you would go out of your way to hurt each other, when life can already hurt so much" - I wrote this for you

How can I make you see that there's nothing you can gain from having too much hate in your life? I pity you for seeing the worst in everyone and everything. Haven't it occurred to you how exhausting it was? Please let it go. Let it all go. Life's a beauty you'll never see if you let your eyes obscured with negativity. This is the time to be happy & content. I shall wait for you across the road, where everything is pretty and colorful despite all the chaosity, absurdity & malarkey. 

Oh by the way,

I'm no good either but that's why I don't resort to hatred and passing judgement.

I'm no good really and that's why I won't be adding any more syillings on my book of sins.

I do realise all my flaws & imperfections, there's too much in fact. And because of that I had enough for what happened in the past, even though its really not me who has started, I'd tried to calm down but my young blood got me defeated which let me said something rude. Let only Allah knows. I've forgotten all and I am sorry for everything. I've changed. But when this things up again and I heard bout this nonsense rumors, I really disappointed. It makes me clueless on how to react.  

Don't mess with people. Who are we to mess with them beside God?

Dan ingatlah,

"Bila kita menghina orang lain sesungguhnya kita sedang memperlihatkan kehinaan akhlak kita sendiri. Berhati-hatilah apabila berkata-kata"

"Nak fitnah, nak umpat, nak jatuhkan orang lain, nak bash, ingat satu perkara... Dosa kita dengan manusia bukan Allah yg ampunkan melainkan orangnya sendiri"

Saya percaya memaafkan boleh membuat hati kita tenang,
Semoga hidayah Allah milik kita semua..
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May 7, 2016

Weekend and me

Banyak nak cakap tapi tak tahu macam mana nak lunas kan dalam perkataan.
semua post post aku yang lepas sebenarnya aku tulis lama dah dalam 2-3 minggu yang lepas.
tapi aku scheduled kan biar dia post secara regular.
kononkonon nak menampakkan macam aku ni rajin menghapdet belog *padahal nakharom tidak.

dekat rumah pon aku jarang menulis. jarang duduk dan membuat list cantik2 macam yang aku suka buat masa di uia dahulu.
aku balik kerja habis masa dengan berbaring dan tidur. tapi aku takde lah masuk aktiviti apa2 secara specific, at least takde lah macam dulu. kenapa penat nya pun tak tahu. 

Aku rasa aku perlu berjalan dan melihat dunia, macam yang selalu aku angan2 dari dulu lagi. Mungkin akan banyak lagi benda2 kecil yang bermakna bakal aku jumpa dan belajar.

eh dah la. apa ke mellow nya lah post ni. sumpah membazir masa. haha.
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May 5, 2016

Kalau lah...

Kalaulah dia melihat bintang
pada mataku
seperti mana aku lihat
ia bersinar-sinar di bola matanya

Kalaulah dia merasa getar
seperti aku
tatkala dia tersenyum menyapa

Kalaulah tawaku
bisa membuat hatinya segar
seperti mana senyum tawanya
meruntun hati kecilku

Kalaulah aku dilihatnya
Seperti dia yang kulihat sempurna
di balik segala
ketidak sempurnaannya

Kalaulah aku..
Kalaulah aku...


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May 4, 2016

Social Network kills me

I'll be steering myself clear off Facebook and Instagram for a while.
Maybe I'll stay deactivated fr a few months and see how it goes. 
This is one of my own challenge fr me to prove to myself, that I'm better off without these social networking sites. But I'll still be here in blog :)
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April 16, 2016

Irau again 16/4/16

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March 31, 2016

Dejavu @ Kinabalu 29/3/16

yeayyy I did it!!!!
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February 20, 2016

I miss writing

I miss writing. My language suck now.

I miss writing. I miss writing so freely where I don't care whatever people might think or assume from reading my words and thoughts. I miss making art through words in poetry, through acts in theatre, through colours in painting even they all suck big time. I think there is one point at my life when I start to realise that my thoughts and views can be different, that it can be hurtful, that it can only be understood by my own secluded self and a few minds that shared the same notions of life with me. 

I don't know when I start have negative notion with people. 
I want to reverse that moment if possible. 
I want to believe that people are good (even when they are not).
I want to give hopes.
I want to dream back.
I want to go for greater things.

Last year was seriously a dark abyss for me.
Despite some great achievements, some awaited items in my wishlist crossed,
I was in a solemn mood most of the time.
Depressing and dark.
Just dark.

And I wish to never return there anymore,
now that I'm beginning to see light.
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February 2, 2016

Baling Pulai 30/1/16


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January 25, 2016



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January 18, 2016

GBH 16/1/16

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January 1, 2016


Well, hello there. It's been a while. It feels like meeting an old friend.

I should penned this somewhere. Somewhere that I might come across someday.

I tend to forget things. My mind is a mess, cluttered with unnecessary thoughts. I don't know what went wrong really but it's becoming a mess now. There are two basis for this circumstances. Number one: That's what happen to everyone when you grow up; you're mind becomes so cluttered you don't even know where to begin with. Or number two: I tend to bottled things up instead of writing it down. I don't know how to keep reminding myself again and again or even to find the time to do it but I really think writing things down helps. Even more so, I think it's becoming more important now that I've grown up and have much to say but kept it all in my mind. 

Oh, by the way, hello adulthood! I am now a working adult. Graduated and about to leave my mark on this work (yeah, right). I must say that working life is hell if you stuck in a job you hate. In the midst of not writing about any updates or whatsoever about my life, I'd done a part time job during my second year of undergrad, graduated, get a practical job as a teacher while keeping up my part time job &quit my first full time job because I hate it and get a new job.

I really wish I could write it all down in slower pace, with more details and stuff so that my future generation could read it later but now, it seems a bit too overwhelming to write up posts on everything that's happening. Anyhow, I promise myself to keep writing. I want to get back to writing things down on a diary, on this blog or anywhere. A personal blog where I can discuss more on serious matter - my thoughts on issue I considered important, inspirations and more. I'm also thinking of a blog where I can write about Islam or at least what I think of the beauty of my religion is. But that's probably will not happen in near future (but I will keep it in my mind). 

If I were to become a writer cum activist who inspire and empower people (HAHA, yeah right), I need to start doing something now. That is to start writing seriously in a medium where I can reach the masses and to work on a non-profit organisation so that I can gain as many experience and contacts before working on my own cause. 

p/s: I guess this is my first post for 2016 (wow! see how dusty this blog is?), so....HELLO 2016!
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